More Than I Can Handle

I know if you have Googled “methylmalonic acidemia” you probably saw the same things I did and FREAKED!  Or thought…clearly this is not what Caleb has…he is great (and I’m sure you also thought he is ammmmmazing and beautiful and strong and handsome and clever, witty, charming…oh wait….that’s me….hahahahahah juuuuuuust kidding) anyway…you Google it and you see things like: Failure to Thrive, feeding tube, death, brain damage, coma, “most don’t survive their first attack”, etc. Truuuuuuust me…I have read them all…every. single. one. of. them.  Notice I am not on Facebook so much anymore 🙂 I am busy Googling (<—dumb and causes unnecessary worry BTW)

Caleb has MMA. He has acidosis, ketosis, abnormal liver function tests and neutropenia…all needed for the diagnosis.  So I was like YES! Finish line.  We know…we can help him and move forward…halle-luuuuuuuuuuuuu-yu! This explains everything!!!!!

Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeech.

Since his ammonia level was within a safe range when they checked it, it throws a little wrench in things.

{Of course we will know more when we get these next levels back next week…and knowing you all and how you pray…they will be gone 🙂 leaving everyone even more confused :)}

With the ammonia level being within a safe range…The GI specialist cannot say with 100% certainty that the acidosis caused the Acute Life Threatening Episode (ALTE).  Sure, it explains everything else but he says we may be dealing with two separate issues…

The good news is that if there is something else causing the ALTE then his acidosis is clearly a very mild form and can be managed with little (maybe no) interventions once his neutropenia, liver, etc. have reached homeostasis (I seriously never thought I would use that word again after BIO 101) so I was really excited to use it just now 🙂

The bad news is…if the acidosis can’t explain the ALTE we still have to figure out what is and who knows what it will be.

The GI wants to perform a couple biopsies and tests…although I am so eager to figure all of this out…I would be lying if I said I don’t well up in tears at the thought of him “going under”.  The doctor believes these things are necessary but in the interest of Caleb and his mamma’s sanity…he is scheduling the respective departments so all can be done at the same time and only needs to be put under once. Oct. 3oth.

This is the interesting thing in all of this…

I find myself hoping the levels are higher so we have the full explanation and can be done and move forward…until I realize that if they are higher then he has a more severe form of the acidosis and that would be devastating…it’s a weird place to be but I just needed to say it out loud.

I talked to my sister this week and she said something along the lines of “you’re strong or I couldn’t handle this” and then we started talking about some of the issues she was enduring right now and I thought the same thing about her.

And then it got me thinking…Anytime anyone goes through anything hard you hear at least one person say “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” and it is simply not true.  God doesn’t say that.  My friend lost her daughter this month.  Killed by a car riding her bike home from school.  Another friend was told she needed to say good-bye to her newborn as he was medivac to a nearby city and didn’t expect to make it there…another friend who has one child with a feeding tube and another with Arthogryposis and 7 other babies that need her…another who cares for her Alzheimer’s suffering mother and her grandson…another who delivered a still born…another whose son is allergic to EVERYthing…another who has no job prospect in sight and 9 mouths to feed…another whose husband was dead when she awoke…another who just kicked cancer’s ass…and another and another and another…and the more we tell people that God doesn’t give us more than we can  handle…the more we are telling those people to rely on themselves and their own strength.

God does not want us to do that.  It is with all certainty that we will be given more than we can handle.  The Bible never says “if”…it says “when”….

RELY ON ME.

TRUST IN ME.

SEEK ME.

REST IN ME.

FOLLOW ME.

I AM ENOUGH.

I HAVE HANDLED IT.

I HAVE FINISHED IT.

I AM.

And it still doesn’t say it’s gonna be easy and it’s not going to hurt.

Maybe people say that because we’ve all heard it and taken it as truth…maybe becuase God says he won’t allow us to be tempted beyond what we can handle….but nowhere does it say we won’t be given more than we can handle. I just know how it makes me feel when someone tells me God won’t give me more than I can handle….I feel like a failure…I feel hopeless…and I almost always think about my mother who lost her husband with two small babies in her arms…and I sorta want to hit that person 🙂 because cleeeeeeeeearly God gives us more than we can handle and even in my recent trials…although not a fraction of what others have endured…it has already proven to be more that I can handle and I thank God for His strength, peace, comfort, guidance and saving grace that is enough.

And even when I don’t glorify God in my suffering….there will always. be. grace.

That is all. Stepping off my soapbox now. Carry on.

Romans 5:3-5

 Not only so, but we[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Advertisements

3 Comments on “More Than I Can Handle”

  1. Heidi Hollenbach says:

    Preach it, sister! Everything you said is SO true. It is amazing how much a relief it is to realize that life is going to be hard (and that if it is hard it doesn’t mean I am doing something wrong) and that God will be here to help me throught it all. Love you and little Caleb and I am SO, SO sorry that you are going through this. I will be praying that the docs can find out exactly what is causing little Caleb distress and that they can tell you exactly what to do about it (I know that you are like me…you want the details!) I will also be praying that God WILL continue to give you all the patience, strength, hope and peace of mind to continue caring for Caleb, for yourself and for your family. SO wish I was closer so that I could give you a long hug, cry with you and hold precious little Caleb. Holding you close in my heart.

  2. Staci says:

    You are truly an inspiration to me. I at times feel the same way, like I have failed sometimes because I feel like I can not handle anymore and yet I know more is coming. To read your blog always puts it back in perspective for me and helps me to coop better with everything I am feeling! To have a friend like you is a blessing to us all. I pray that the faith you gave delivers you to a place of peace soon, and that your beautiful family can settle into a rhythm that works best! I love you and admire you more then I could EVER put into words! You are a blessing to me! Xoxo

  3. Debe Hahn says:

    After reading your story…inhaling ever word with my eyes full of tears, not only from your heartache or your strength or your wisdom beyond your years, but because I feel that God has an agenda for you Rechel. I lift Caleb and your family up daily, praying God will do for you and your family what is only heavenly thru earthly ways. Your sharing of the friends that have endured so much only goes to strengthen this feeling I have of where God is leading you. Be open….he’s going to do a mighty work in your family.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s